im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I AM VODKA MAN
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
