seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
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I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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