We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
