dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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