The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
