Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
