I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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