if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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