So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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