Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
