My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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