I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
