im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
