I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
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Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
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me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito