Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.