My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.