a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
