There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
