we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
