So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
