made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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