Small penises have feelings too.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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