Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
