the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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