well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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