she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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