Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
