New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
i believe in u and ur pee
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
