I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
