I'm gonna have a badass scar
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
