The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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