why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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