Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
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