I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My dick has a subreddit
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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