Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
