I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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