AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
