i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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