i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
