I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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