My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
