It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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