actually, I'm a sock model
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
