only if we run a train.
done.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
