I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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