hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
