News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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