I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She's the barista slut.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
