I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
