So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
