guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
