Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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