Sober January is a disaster.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
