hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
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Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
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Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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